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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22600861">to my youth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/startlino/pseuds/startlino'>startlino</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>3RACHA, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, First Dates, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Time Skips, everyone loves jisung ngl, hyunjin loves to draw and dance, jisung loves writing music, sungie is an introvert, they're whipped and sweethearts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 15:06:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22600861</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/startlino/pseuds/startlino</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>jisung and hyunjin are childhood friends and things start to change over time. until one day hyunjin decides to travel and leave jisung to follow his dream.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>123</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>to my youth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetyfivez/gifts">ninetyfivez</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title from to my youth by bol4. inspired by many things, it's kinda cliche idk</p><p>also, who's jisung's first kiss? it's not jinnie, look forward to that hehe</p><p>took me a while to write. sorry if you find any mistakes since english is not my first language and idk if i edited absolutely everything :'(</p><p>anyway, hyunsung love each other so much &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p><strong>i</strong>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>things are much easier when you're a child. jisung misses those moments, at least those he remembers, where he had no worries or obligations.</p><p> </p><p>he remembers when he would turn his lamp on to the ceiling and play with the shadow of his fingers. he remembers when he would wake up and see a gift on the side of his bed and swear it was santa claus who gave to him because he had been a good boy that year.</p><p> </p><p>he remembers when he was five years old and a very nice boy had moved next to his house, and how they became friends so fast.</p><p> </p><p>"hey, i'm hyunjin, your new neighbor", the cute boy said while jisung sat outside his backyard alone.</p><p> </p><p>"uh, hi, i'm jisung, nice to meet you", he forced himself to say. no one had approached jisung as fast as that boy. it was even strange and jisung was a shy kid.</p><p> </p><p>"do you want to see my drawings?", the boy, hyunjin, asked smiling, sitting next to him. and just now jisung had noticed the little notebook he was holding in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>"sure, why not?", jisung answered with a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>when you're a child, getting close to someone is a little easier than when you become an adult. so, that was exactly how their history started: easy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>when jisung enters elementary school, he's happy because hyunjin studies at the same school as him, and that means they can come and go together. at that time, they were inseparable. they were still neighbors, which means more time together in each other's houses as well.</p><p> </p><p>he remembers being in his room, with hyunjin at his side. hyunjin still loves to draw, which is why he always made sketches on jisung's arm.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin always took his black pen and spent hours drawing and training on jisung's arm. and jisung didn't care, he liked. it was a good feeling the tickles that the pen did while hyunjin was completely focused on making perfect lines.</p><p> </p><p>"my arm is starting to go numb, it's been over an hour and you don't finish, jinnie", he says trying to look at what hyunjin is doing.</p><p> </p><p>"you only like to complain, i'm sure your arm is fine", hyunjin responds by rolling his eyes, but pausing the drawing to hold jisung's hand and make sure the arm doesn't hurt. he also puts a kiss on jisung's shoulder. "<em>there</em>. it won't hurt anymore. my mom always says that a kiss ends with the pain. now let me finish, idiot".</p><p> </p><p>jisung laughs at hyunjin's face and lets him continue. they’ve always been sweet to each other, holding hands together and hugging all the time. nothing so special, but soon he realized that two boys didn't do that normally.</p><p> </p><p>"look," hyunjin says as soon as it ends, minutes later. jisung is surprised because...</p><p> </p><p>1. this time, the drawing was jisung, his face, smiling, and hyunjin managed to draw it without even telling jisung to look at him. and 2. hyunjin's drawings were improving so much that it was almost impossible, in jisung's head, for someone to draw so well.</p><p> </p><p>jisung looks at his arm in the mirror, still shocked.</p><p> </p><p>"it's perfect, jinnie. how can you make it look so real?", and hyunjin smiles with the look of shock on jisung's face.</p><p> </p><p>"the face is yours, i just copied. and also, i'm just training. i think i want to work with that in the future". jisung looks at hyunjin again.</p><p> </p><p>"isn't a little early to think about what job to have? i mean, you would be a great artist, i think. maybe you could make comics? oh my god, i would love it. please make a comic for me, jinnie". he says excitedly.</p><p> </p><p>"maybe", hyunjin keeps smiling, he loves compliments. "anyway, kind of sad that you'll have to take out when you shower".</p><p> </p><p>"or i could never shower again...", jisung replies jokingly.</p><p> </p><p>"don't be disgusting. do you want to smell? your mom would kill you", hyunjin makes a dramatic face but laughs the same way.</p><p> </p><p>"i'm kidding, i don't love your drawings that much to this point", jisung says. hyunjin just rolls his eyes and punches the same arm he drew.</p><p> </p><p>"i should go. it's too late, my mom will be here screaming soon", hyunjin gets up, looking for his pen and his backpack.</p><p> </p><p>"see you tomorrow morning?", jisung says, seeing hyunjin already going to the door of his room to leave.</p><p> </p><p>"unfortunately", he replies with a laugh.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>when they enter high school, things change dramatically. and jisung starts to worry more about things, he hates it.</p><p> </p><p>back through elementary school, hyunjin and jisung continued together. and that time they didn't imagine themselves far from each other.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin started taking dance classes and in just one month, he changed his mind about drawings. he still loved to draw, of course. his teacher said he would be a great designer if he ever wanted to. but hyunjin started to dance and that was like a drug for him. he wanted to be a dancer, not a designer or something like that anymore.</p><p> </p><p>jisung started to write lyrics, influenced by his addiction to comics. he loved to read and sometimes felt the need to write something simply because of inspirations he just had.</p><p> </p><p>jisung fell in love with his lyrics very fast, as well as music. hyunjin and jisung fell in love with music, in two different ways.</p><p> </p><p>and just like that, high school arrived. they no longer studied at the same school, but were still neighbors, they could see each other anytime available in the day.</p><p> </p><p>several changes happened at that time. among them, jisung realized that he, maybe, didn't like girls. yes, he tried kissing a girl and felt... nothing. among them, jisung realized that he felt more things when hyunjin kissed his cheek or held his hand than when that girl kissed his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>was that supposed to be wrong? jisung wasn't sure. the world told him it was, but he only felt good things when it happened. so, he couldn't understand.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin dated a girl at that time, and jisung couldn't understand again. the dating didn't take long anyway, hyunjin couldn't stay with a person for long.</p><p> </p><p>"stop breaking people's hearts, jinnie," jisung said when hyunjin told him everything was over.</p><p> </p><p>"it was better than taking this longer, jisungie," hyunjin was lying with his head against jisung's thighs, at jisung's house. "honestly, there are only two things that are constant in my life".</p><p> </p><p>"which ones?", jisung asked stroking hyunjin's hair.</p><p> </p><p>"dance and...", he paused, looking up. "you".</p><p> </p><p>jisung smiled. "me?".</p><p> </p><p>"yes, the dance is always with me. but you, before anyone or anything else, have always been with me, since the day i moved here", hyunjin confessed. "don't be so proud, i'm just being nice to you because it's your birthday tomorrow".</p><p> </p><p>"no, you're being nice to me because you love me", jisung replies, with a cocky smile.</p><p> </p><p>"what do you want as a gift?", hyunjin asked, closing his eyes feeling jisung's fingers playing with his hair. they were both tired.</p><p> </p><p>"a kiss", jisung says jokingly. and hyunjin laughs too.</p><p> </p><p>but then he took jisung's hand that was in his hair and press a kiss on it.</p><p> </p><p>"like that?", he asks.</p><p> </p><p><em>no</em>, jisung wants to answer. a kiss on the lips.</p><p> </p><p>"yeah," he ends up answering. "this will do".</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"truthfully, i'm very weak-hearted</em>
  <br/>
  <em>when the night's getting too dark, i'll be too scared to sleep</em>
  <br/>
  <em>my imaginary friend's talking to me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>because you've done well so far, now do whatever you want".</em>
</p><p> </p><p>one of the songs that jisung had written in early high school. <em>i see</em>, he called.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>now, it was the last year already, and he had no idea what was going to happen. honestly, a lot and little had happened that time.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin was still with him, but jisung didn't really have other friends. jisung didn't know what to do, he had no passion for anything, just music. jisung never had a date and he didn't like girls (he was pretty sure now).</p><p> </p><p>he was only sure of two things... music and hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>however, things keep changing. and things are getting more and more difficult.</p><p> </p><p>"i'm going to australia", hyunjin says one day during that year, while they are on the terrace of his house. "maybe i have more chances with dance, and my brother, jeongin, will welcome me there".</p><p> </p><p>and suddenly, it's like everything is gray. he was no longer sure of hyunjin, and that was something he had been sure for years.</p><p> </p><p>"you... plan to stay there how long?", jisung replies hesitantly, trying to keep his voice steady.</p><p> </p><p>"i don't know", hyunjin replies sincerely. "maybe a year, maybe two, three, maybe i'll live there".</p><p> </p><p>great, jisung thought. in a few months, i may never see you again. totally perfect.</p><p> </p><p>"would you really leave everything you have here and go to australia? why so far away?", jisung asked. maybe he's a little bitter about the situation, when all he was supposed to do was be happy for hyunjin, but he wasn't thinking straight. he was going to be left.</p><p> </p><p>"i love to dance, sungie," hyunjin said in a sweet voice. "it hurts me to leave everything too. but maybe i have a good chance there, more than here. and i always wanted to travel, you know".</p><p> </p><p>jisung could only look at the floor. he didn't know how to react. so many changes and he couldn't get used to any of them.</p><p> </p><p>time was going too fast.</p><p> </p><p>"sungie?", hyunjin called after a minute, with a worried look. "i want to know what you think. it's important to me".</p><p> </p><p>jisung didn't want hyunjin to leave him. and there, he realized that he loved hyunjin, more than as a best friend. but he loved hyunjin so much that all he wanted was to see him happy.</p><p> </p><p>"i think you have to do what you love," jisung replied, trying to smile. "i just... i'm going to miss you".</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin smiled at that. hyunjin was also going to miss jisung a lot. but dance, his passion for things, always came first in his heart.</p><p> </p><p>"it's not a goodbye, baby", hyunjin replied holding his hand. fuck hyunjin and his flirty personality that allows him to use these nicknames so easily. "there is internet these days, you know? it's not like i can be without you in my life. and also, you'll be a great composer here in seoul".</p><p> </p><p>jisung wasn't even sure if he would really continue to write and be a composer, but hyunjin didn't seem to have any doubts about him.</p><p> </p><p>"whatever, it will still take a while for all this to happen, so i just want to enjoy you here now", jisung replied, almost whispering to himself.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin then kissed jisung on the cheek and rested his head on jisung's shoulder. both watching the sun that would still set.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"even in a noisy city</em>
  <br/>
  <em>do whatever you want</em>
  <br/>
  <em>sit in the sunshine and close your eyes</em>
  <br/>
  <em>look at me for a second".</em>
</p><p> </p><p>one of the songs that jisung wrote that same night. <em>sunshine</em>, he called.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>in the blink of an eye, the last day has come.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin and jisung finished high school together. hyunjin would really travel and jisung would stay in this city, lonely.</p><p> </p><p>they were at the airport and hyunjin would be gone in a few minutes.</p><p> </p><p>"here," hyunjin took him out of his thoughts and handed him a paper.</p><p> </p><p>he opened it slowly, and saw the drawing of his face, smiling, almost like that one hyunjin had done on jisung's arm years ago. but more beautiful. his drawing improved even more, if that was still possible.</p><p> </p><p>he draws as perfect as he dances. and hyunjin dances so well. he would conquer the world with his talents, jisung was sure.</p><p> </p><p>he was in love with an artist, a dancer, his childhood friend who would go far away from him.</p><p> </p><p>"now that the drawing is on paper, don't forget to take a shower", the two laughed at the same time, he was so in love.</p><p> </p><p>"you're an idiot," jisung replied.</p><p> </p><p>"and you're the greatest composer. please, write beautiful lyrics, send me all of them," hyunjin held his hand again.</p><p> </p><p>"and you... keep doing what you love," jisung said with a broking heart.</p><p> </p><p>"i love <em>you</em>," hyunjin said. and at that moment, jisung realized that they never said those words out loud after all these years. they knew, of course they did, but it was never really said.</p><p> </p><p>"i... love you more. everything's okay, we will see each other again". jisung replied smiling.</p><p> </p><p>and with that, hyunjin's flight was announced.</p><p> </p><p>jisung was 19 years old when hyunjin left him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"this is too fast</em>
  <br/>
  <em>i waited for this moment, how about you?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>are you scared? or excited?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>actually, it hurts me to let you go".</em>
</p><p> </p><p>jisung wrote those lyrics that night. <em>19</em>, he called the song.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>ii.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>life goes on, always goes on no matter what happens and doesn't wait for anyone. it seemed difficult to continue without hyunjin, jisung thought. but he <em>had</em> to, right?</p><p> </p><p>he still had music. and apparently he was also extremely lucky because months later he got to meet two amazing people: chan and changbin.</p><p> </p><p>jisung met them both when he signed up for several companies, and in one of them he was accepted, exactly the same company as the boys.</p><p> </p><p>chan clearly makes a big difference in the company and seemed to have a say on some decisions. changbin was his childhood friend and the two were almost inseparable.</p><p> </p><p>inseparable... just like jisung and hyunjin were once.</p><p> </p><p>chan had loved jisung's lyrics and asked the three to start making songs together.</p><p> </p><p>jisung became so close to the two, which hadn't happened in years. in fact, it hadn't happened since hyunjin.</p><p> </p><p>he spent much of his time locked up in a studio with the two of them, it's difficult not to get attached. they both seemed to care so much about jisung, he wasn't used to it, but he felt good.</p><p> </p><p>he felt at home again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>after three months and a few days, he missed hyunjin. it's not like he didn't miss him before, but he missed him <em>a lot</em> now.</p><p> </p><p>he knew they would talk less and less and eventually move away from each other. jisung understood, he had prepared for that.</p><p> </p><p>all the people in jisung's life have always left. with hyunjin he was always sure he would stay, but he was no longer sure of anything.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin would be busy, making new friends, doing what he loves, living his life. there would be no time for jisung.</p><p> </p><p>and yet jisung missed him.</p><p> </p><p>he missed him even more because hyunjin wasn't there when he left home. he couldn't listen anymore about how he had to study something seriously or do something instead of being lazy. he couldn't take it anymore to hear that music wouldn't get him anywhere. music was literally the only thing that kept jisung moving forward.</p><p> </p><p>he thought about asking chan or changbin if he could stay at one of their houses but he didn't want to disturb them, he didn't want to worry them either. so he waited until he got a job and an apartment before he could really leave once and for all.</p><p> </p><p>once again luck was at his side because he got a job at a convenience store near the studio.</p><p> </p><p>the schedule allowed him to work on his songs at night too. it was perfect since chan, changbin and him barely sleep at all.</p><p> </p><p>he soon afterwards managed to rent an apartment with another extremely handsome boy who had been nothing but cool with jisung from the beginning. he was called minho.</p><p> </p><p>minho also didn't stay much at home because he was a choreographer (just like hyunjin, he remembered) and taught little children how to dance. jisung found it absolutely adorable.</p><p> </p><p>but in the few times when the two were at home, they talked for hours. sometimes minho cooked for them, making sure jisung didn't skip any meals.</p><p> </p><p>at work everything was going well too, everyone made sure that jisung feel as comfortable as possible. jisung felt like he had a life for the first time and it was so good.</p><p> </p><p>he missed hyunjin, but he didn't feel so lonely anymore. there were people in seoul who made him love that city a little more again.</p><p> </p><p>making friends after childhood is not so bad after all. it remains as difficult as ever for jisung, but it wasn't so bad to have people who cared for him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"what do you want for your birthday, sungie?", chan asked while they were alone in the studio.</p><p> </p><p>the question seemed so familiar that he felt his heart sink.</p><p> </p><p>"a kiss," he replied, laughing nervously. and chan seemed to be surprised. "i'm kidding. is that... i've never been kissed by a boy before".</p><p> </p><p>"really?", chan asked trying to find out whether he was serious or not.</p><p> </p><p>"yes. would you kiss a boy like me, hyung?", jisung asked back.</p><p> </p><p>chan then smiled, he looked at jisung so softly. honestly? he still loved hyunjin, but never got a chance to kiss him. maybe, if he kissed chan, he would make sure he liked boys. he never had the experience to speak with certainty.</p><p> </p><p>maybe, deep down, he already knew the answer. and maybe, he just wanted chan to kiss him and know the feeling.</p><p> </p><p>chan... the person he admired the most in the world. who had embraced his music and jisung himself in such a welcoming way, that put changbin and jisung and everyone he loved above himself, that loved to hug at any possible opportunity.</p><p> </p><p>chan pointed to his thighs, calling jisung to sit on his lap. and jisung positioned his thighs over chan's. then chan held his face as if he could break at any moment.</p><p> </p><p>"of course i would," he said, smiling. it seemed that chan was embarrassed too, something new, he had never seen him like this.</p><p> </p><p>"then do it, please."</p><p> </p><p>and like that, chan kissed jisung very slowly, giving jisung time to get used to the idea.</p><p> </p><p>chan's lips were so smooth. chan seemed to have more experience so jisung just copied what he was doing.</p><p> </p><p>everything was so sweet. chan was just giving him his birthday present, but it felt so good to be loved that way. that's what he wanted when he asked hyunjin that same year. but hyunjin was unable to give him what he wanted. maybe out of fear, maybe out of thinking he was joking, maybe because he never loved jisung that way. jisung didn't know.</p><p> </p><p>chan was jisung's first real kiss.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"why don't you ever hug me?", jisung once asked changbin, while only the two of them were in the studio that day.</p><p> </p><p>changbin was sat in the place where chan always worked and stopped what he was doing to look at jisung.</p><p> </p><p>"i don't know, sungie... i usually like to hug those who are younger than me. you're younger but, i don't know. you look older. but that's a lie, i do hug you sometimes so stop being dramatic", changbin explained while trying to formulate his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>"do i look older?", jisung laughed as he answered.</p><p> </p><p>"not older... stop <em>laughing</em> at me. i don't know, your songs may give me this message that you're a very mature person. but talking to you is like you're an idiot so i should know better...", changbin teased him. jisung felt betrayed.</p><p> </p><p>"i don't want your hugs anymore. our relationship is going to be extremely professional from now on, changbin-ssi", jisung made a little drama, sitting on the couch.</p><p> </p><p>changbin then started laughing non-stop and headed over to jisung. jisung pretended to be angry but lost his pose when changbin gave him the tightest hug ever. jisung pretended to be disgusted again by making sounds for changbin to release him. but the truth is that jisung was loving it.</p><p> </p><p>"you know i love you, right?" changbin asked.</p><p> </p><p>jisung knew that.</p><p> </p><p>chan always hugged him, just like he hugged everyone he saw. he felt very safe in his arms. hyunjin always held his hand when he was there. minho always took care of jisung indirectly. jisung knew that changbin cared too but he didn't hug him enough. or rather, not as much as jisung wanted, which was <em>all the time.</em></p><p> </p><p>so jisung was happy that changbin was hugging him and took the opportunity to cuddle him.</p><p> </p><p>"i like you too, you're not so bad...", jisung answered jokingly and changbin was so done with him.</p><p> </p><p>the two cuddled for so long until they fell asleep.</p><p> </p><p>chan later arrived at the studio, the first thing he came across was changbin and jisung sleeping together. he smiled alone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jisung met a singer at the company, kim seungmin. he was also friends with chan and changbin's roommate.</p><p> </p><p>jisung had to write several songs for seungmin, after all he was a composer and his songs now went to several singers. he was proud of it.</p><p> </p><p>seungmin had an incredible voice, very sweet and jisung loved to listen. it was one of his favorite sounds.</p><p> </p><p>the two got very close working together. so much that one day seungmin was so close to jisung, physically, and the idea of kissing him didn't seem so bad...</p><p> </p><p>unlike when he kissed chan, who jisung admired and knew he couldn't date, seungmin left jisung confused. yes, the idea of dating or having something with seungmin was very good. but there was one thing, someone, that made jisung think twice before having a more serious involvement with someone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>hyunjin.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>he still loved hyunjin so much. but at the same time it's been months, and hyunjin would never like him the same way. the idea that someone else might like him was incredible and jisung wanted to forget hyunjin at all costs.</p><p> </p><p>then jisung kissed seungmin for the first time. seungmin also liked jisung and he made it clear every time they saw each other.</p><p> </p><p>and the first time became several times.</p><p> </p><p>until jisung started considering seungmin his... boyfriend. there was no request but they considered themselves exclusive.</p><p> </p><p>but after weeks, months, jisung still couldn't forget hwang hyunjin. and it all got worse when jisung found out that hyunjin was <em>dating</em> too.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin and jisung haven't spoken to each other in months.</p><p> </p><p>apparently, seungmin was friends with felix, an australian boy, who by coincidence met hyunjin there. <em>of course he did.</em></p><p> </p><p>seungmin showed the photo of felix and hyunjin holding each other so that jisung could meet his friend and jisung couldn't believe it. it was <em>really</em> hyunjin. and if felix was really australian then it means that hyunjin was really dating there, in australia, with a boy. jisung didn't even know that hyunjin liked boys for fuck's sake.</p><p> </p><p>and although jisung was also with seungmin, he couldn't believe it.</p><p> </p><p>jisung had discovered that his supposed best friend was dating, and discovered that he was also gay. jisung discovered all this from<em> another</em> person because hyunjin didn't tell him anything anymore.</p><p> </p><p>after that he realized he never got over hyunjin. he would never forget hyunjin. he loved seungmin with all his heart, but not like <em>that</em>. not as much as hyunjin. and it was all fucked up.</p><p> </p><p>"sungie, baby, what happened? you're serious," seungmin asked after noticing the change in jisung's state after seeing the photo.</p><p> </p><p>jisung needed to be honest with seungmin. but he couldn't even believe it at all... he was dating someone to forget hyunjin but everything in his life remembered hyunjin somehow. seungmin would hate him.</p><p> </p><p>jisung missed hyunjin so much but apparently he didn't feel the same way about him, he never did. he never liked jisung that way but jisung could only miss him. more and more. no matter how much time passes, no matter who he meets or kisses.</p><p> </p><p>"this boy. i know this boy", jisung not only knew but was also in love with this boy.</p><p> </p><p>jisung started to cry in front of seungmin and seungmin hugged him tightly, making him feel welcomed in his arms.</p><p> </p><p>seungmin was always so kind to him. he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve the love of seungmin after months of being with him and loving someone else.</p><p> </p><p>jisung really needed to be honest with him but at that moment he could only cry.</p><p> </p><p>seungmin continued to hug him tightly as he sobbed, and pressed a kiss to jisung's forehead. "it's okay, baby, take your time. tell me later, just put everything out now and then you can tell me who he is. everything will be fine".</p><p> </p><p>"it won't, seungmin", jisung answering while crying non-stop. "i'm a terrible person and i don't deserve you. please stop hugging me".</p><p> </p><p>seungmin then held jisung's face wiping away his tears. "regardless of everything, i love you and care about you. and doesn't matter who this kid is, i guarantee you that everything will be fine, i'll be by your side. i know you well enough to know that you're not a bad person so stop".</p><p> </p><p>jisung could only cry more. this was the first time he had cried since hyunjin was gone. ironically he couldn't cry all these months but now, seeing hyunjin with someone else, he realized how strong his feelings for the boy are.</p><p> </p><p>and seungmin always understood jisung, always took care of jisung. he <em>really</em> didn't deserve him.</p><p> </p><p>seungmin was jisung's first boyfriend. it was also his first attempt to fall in love with someone other than hyunjin. but he failed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>iii.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"do the days go by so quickly?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>if i count to three right here</em>
  <br/>
  <em>what if everything disappears like a dream</em>
  <br/>
  <em>and i’m back to the beginning?"</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>looking back, so much had happened in the past few months. jisung's life had turned upside down, and now it looked like he was a child again. it's been a year.</p><p> </p><p>jisung told seungmin who hyunjin was and seungmin understood. they finished things, but seungmin understood. it was frustrating how much seungmin had understood. he was such a good person, and until the end he continued to worry about jisung.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em>"i'm coming back to seoul. i thought you should know."</em> </span>
</p><p> </p><p>when he read the message, he didn't believe in hyunjin's ability to be selfish.</p><p> </p><p>besides not talking to him for months, not asking how he was for months, he still has the courage to send a message saying that he is coming back.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you're coming back but you didn't tell me you were dating.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>you didn't tell me you liked boys.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>you didn't ask me how i was.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>"what do you think i should do?", jisung asked minho who was sitting next to him in the apartment room. one of the rare few days that the two were at home at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>"i think you should talk. after all, the problem is that you two didn't talk when you needed each other the most. maybe he has an explanation, sungie. sometimes we don't tell things for fear of hurting", minho explained. "sometimes we're just not ready to tell. as incredible as it seems the more important the person is to us, more difficult it turns to demonstrate certain things. at least for me, you know? i'm not defending this asshole, if you choose to do the opposite i'll support you, but this is my point of view. i want you to be happy. and you're happy when you're with him".</p><p> </p><p>minho was right, hyunjin and jisung needed to talk. they grew up together, and even though so many things changed the love for hyunjin remained the same.</p><p> </p><p>but jisung was so angry. he would return, perhaps with felix, his boyfriend. and jisung didn't know how to deal.</p><p> </p><p>jisung didn't even know why hyunjin was coming back...</p><p> </p><p>"hey, he's not here yet. and while he's not here i know the perfect thing we should do...", minho pulled him out of his thoughts holding his hand.</p><p> </p><p>"what?", jisung asked.</p><p> </p><p>"watch horror movies together", minho replied totally seriously. and the two start laughing at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>minho had a unique way of making him forget all the problems in the world.</p><p> </p><p>"looks like a plan," jisung replied smiling. minho pulled him close.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin would come back, but now he wasn't as lonely as a year ago. now he had people who cared about him.</p><p> </p><p>and even though everything has changed, he still loved hyunjin so much. even though he was feeling so angry, he was still in love with the same boy who handed him a drawing when he was 5 years old.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>hyunjin's pov</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>hyunjin was desperate. he returned to seoul, but didn't found jisung in the same house as always.</p><p> </p><p>had jisung moved? since when? what happened?</p><p> </p><p>jisung didn't respond to his messages either. and hyunjin was losing his mind.</p><p> </p><p>he was in his backyard, his old home. everything looked the same, but at the same time he felt different.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin just wanted to know where jisung was first, so he called him. he didn't even know if the boy had the same number since he didn't answer.</p><p> </p><p>had hyunjin lost jisung? had hyunjin lost the person he loved most in the world?</p><p> </p><p>after the third missed call, hyunjin started to be hopeless. he cried with the phone in his ear, he thought about the possibilities and why jisung didn't answer, why jisung was no longer in that house.</p><p> </p><p>maybe hyunjin has been the worst of friends this past year. it's true that he hasn't spoken to jisung in months but he never stopped caring about the boy. he just wanted the feeling to go away.</p><p> </p><p>yes, hyunjin was an asshole because he hid from his best friend that he liked boys, but he needed to try to forget him.</p><p> </p><p>after the sixth missed call, hyunjin was crying nonstop. but on the seventh jisung answered.</p><p> </p><p>"sungie? sungie... where are you? i'm at our house but you're not here. what is happening?", hyunjin asked breathlessly while crying.</p><p> </p><p>"hyunjin? are you at home?", jisung asked, his voice sounded surprised.</p><p> </p><p>"yes. why aren't you here?", hyunjin asked again, desperate.</p><p> </p><p>jisung was silent, hyunjin heard him sigh. "i'll be there in a few minutes. can you wait?"</p><p> </p><p>"i'm not going anywhere", hyunjin replied.</p><p> </p><p>the truth? the truth is that hyunjin thinks he fell in love with jisung as soon as he saw him in the yard on the first day. hyunjin thinks he fell in love with jisung before he even knew what was like to love.</p><p> </p><p>he tried so hard, tried everything. he tried to date girls, even tried to deny that he liked boys. he tried to date felix, but it was unfair to the freckled boy. he tried at all costs just to be a good friend for jisung but he couldn't even do that.</p><p> </p><p>he shouldn't have left jisung here, alone. he shouldn't have stopped talking to him during his trip, too. but things are like that, sometimes they get out of hand. it doesn’t mean he doesn’t blame himself, but he was trying to fix it all.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin was brave enough to leave his hometown and live a dream, but he wasn't brave enough to confess his love for his best friend, until now.</p><p> </p><p>after years hyunjin was still only sure of two things: his love for dance... and his love for jisung.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>jisung's pov</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>jisung went to his old house and also hyunjin's house.</p><p> </p><p>he saw hyunjin sitting in the yard from far away, crying. jisung didn't think that the first image he would have of hyunjin when he returned was a sad one.</p><p> </p><p>as soon as hyunjin saw him he stood up. jisung tried, tried <em>hard</em> but he couldn't stop smiling... and crying.</p><p> </p><p>"you got even taller. this is unfair, i didn't know someone could grow up after 19", jisung said while smiling. hyunjin was more handsome than ever.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin was taller, more handsome. he had tattoos and looked different. jisung felt scared. what if everything has changed? what if hyunjin had become a completely different person?</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin then approached jisung little by little and hugged him, so tightly that jisung couldn't help but cry more.</p><p> </p><p>"i missed you so much," hyunjin said. he hugged jisung and couldn't let go, jisung loved this boy so much that it almost hurt. he closed his eyes and still couldn't believe it.</p><p> </p><p>"then why did you leave me? you promised me that you wouldn't go, that you wouldn't be able to be without me but you left me", jisung said crying while hugging him. "you promised".</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin then held jisung's face wiping his tears. carefully and with a little fear, hyunjin kissed jisung. that was the way he found to make jisung calm down in his arms.</p><p> </p><p>it felt like minutes but in fact it must have been just 5 seconds and jisung could only face hyunjin, confused. he had waited so long for this. one year. many years.</p><p> </p><p>"i wish i did that in the airport one year ago, but i couldn't because i knew i was leaving," hyunjin explained. "sungie... i was always so afraid of everything. afraid that you wouldn't like me, afraid that the world wouldn't like me. afraid to say that i love you since the day i met you. sorry for hiding so much from you".</p><p> </p><p>"but... you're dating...", jisung tried to understand.</p><p> </p><p>"i was... but i can't feel for anyone what i feel for you, jisung", hyunjin said holding his hands. "can you forgive me? i know i should have been a better friend to you. i know i left you and everything behind to do what i love, but i also love <em>you</em>. i never stopped".</p><p> </p><p>jisung gradually calmed down.</p><p> </p><p>so that was it. hyunjin was no longer dating felix. hyunjin was back, and he loved jisung the same way. <em>his hyunjin.</em> everything seemed like a lie.</p><p> </p><p>since high school, everything has been hard. for both of them. getting used to hyunjin far away was one of the hardest things. however he couldn't just blame hyunjin, he had also hidden details of his life.</p><p> </p><p>he couldn't put all the blame on hyunjin. some things just need time. the relationship he has with hyunjin goes beyond that. he would always love that boy.</p><p> </p><p>"i also owe you an apology. for not telling you about everything that has changed. i didn't want to disturb your trip, i wanted you to be happy", jisung said, his anger was already far gone, disappeared as soon as he saw hyunjin again.</p><p> </p><p>"i'm happy where you are", hyunjin replied. "i'm still the same hyunjin. your best friend".</p><p> </p><p>jisung smiled, this time he kissed hyunjin. hyunjin opened his mouth, kissing jisung back deeply, with his hands on his waist.</p><p> </p><p>kissing hyunjin was a wonderful feeling. being able to see and touch hyunjin again was amazing. he was still so in love.</p><p> </p><p>"i always wanted to do that," jisung confessed.</p><p> </p><p>"blond looks good on you", hyunjin replied looking at him.</p><p> </p><p>"i know. you can be taller but i'm more handsome", jisung said and the two laughed together.</p><p> </p><p>"do you still love me? am i too late?", hyunjin asked, suddenly worried.</p><p> </p><p>"how could i not love you, idiot?", jisung replied, kissing hyunjin again, very softly.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin was back, jisung didn't know for how long or if he would really stay here. jisung didn't know much.</p><p> </p><p>a lot has changed but hyunjin loved jisung back in every way and that was all that mattered right now.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"why did you get a tattoo of a happy face on your hand?", jisung asked.</p><p> </p><p>"to remember to always smile. no matter how hard everything gets", hyunjin said while holding jisung's hand, he didn't want to let go now that he was by his side. "i honestly wanted to tattoo something i drew myself, but i haven't draw at all for a while. i just like to draw your face, apparently," hyunjin joked.</p><p> </p><p>"you're whipped", jisung answered.</p><p> </p><p>"not everything was easy on my trip, sungie. and i'm sure everything was hard for you when i left too. but i'm happy to be on your side again, i needed this".</p><p> </p><p>jisung was in hyunjin's room, the same place where they spent hours when they were children. he felt something good, he felt safe.</p><p> </p><p>he needed this too after he left home months ago.</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin looked different. by far, if he hadn't known him for so long, he could even say that he was intimidating. but the truth is that hyunjin remains the same sweet boy as always.</p><p> </p><p>"come to australia with me?", hyunjin asked jisung while they were lying together. "just for a few days. i'm managing to do a workshop there, and soon i'll be able to teach people how to dance. you can know how beautiful it is there and i can show you where i've been staying all this time. felix will love listening to your songs. and you can meet my brother, jeongin".</p><p> </p><p>"already want to introduce me to your family as a boyfriend?", jisung joked, but he was insecure. hyunjin and felix were just friends, as jisung and seungmin were now too. but he understood, he wanted to meet the people in hyunjin's life.</p><p> </p><p>"only if you introduce me to your new friends as your boyfriend too", hyunjin replied smiling. "i don't know if they will like me tho".</p><p> </p><p>"they will love you", jisung reassured him. "and yes i'll go to australia with you. i just need to see things at my job".</p><p> </p><p>"i want to be part of your life, no matter how far away i am," hyunjin said sincerely. "always".</p><p> </p><p>"me too, baby", jisung replied. "we're going to be okay. i'm not leaving you either. you're my family".</p><p> </p><p>hyunjin pressed a kiss to jisung's forehead and then to his mouth, smiling.</p><p> </p><p>they would be fine.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i suck writing fluff. i like to write angst but i suck at that too so i'm sorry!!!</p><p>happy birthday to hyunjin's brother in this fic jeongin haha bb</p><p>thank you if you read till the end :(</p></blockquote></div></div>
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